I apologize in advance for my post being the introduction to the most depressive day of the year (tomorrow, January 16) but I need to let this out.
I’ve been feeling tired for quite some time now and being who I am, I kept trying to fix that. I don’t like feeling tired. But it seems I am tired of so many things, many of which I can’t fix. I can write them down though, hoping this might make me feel a bit better.
In no particular order of importance, I’m tired of:
… egotistical people. Lying. People having no manners. People being rude because they think that makes them powerful. Powerplays in general.
… politicians. Everywhere. Being everything I mentioned in the first bullet plus having no shame. I always wondered about that – how do you get to a place where you feel no shame? You know you’re lying, people know you’re lying and there is just no shame. How do you become such a person?
…people not being honest with themselves and consequently with no one else. I know it’s not easy to be honest with oneself, as none of us is perfect and admitting you’re wrong takes courage. But it would make all interaction meaningful. And this world a much better place.
…so much unmeaningful chatter. It’s everywhere. Maybe it’s just me not seeing meaning in most conversations.
… of not being able to run because I can’t find what’s wrong with my back because it’s impossible to get an MRI for a year. At least. Unless you want to pay for it privately. Which makes the fact that we all have social healthcare we pay for quite a lot sort of redundant.
… not having time and energy to see my friends and talk to them.
… no longer reading or writing. Of smelling perfumes.
… being required to do many things at the same time because otherwise no work will be done in time (both at work and privately).
… opening my social media feeds and reading about everything I just listed here.
… of people not taking responsibility and owning up to their own shit. Most of the time it is NOT someone else’s fault. Be an adult and admit you’re not always right and that you make mistakes.
… more and more lax educational standards. That cannot lead to a prosperous future.
… patriarchy. Wannabe patriarchy. Chauvinism. Bringing me back to human decency and powerplays. It shouldn’t be that difficult to be a decent human being and mind your own business and let others do the same.
… feeling guilty. I know this one is just my own, letting other people make me feel so. I need to learn to stand up more for myself. But I firmly believe it shouldn’t be so. It’s again basic decency – I’m not doing anything to hurt anybody, why in the world with all the criticism?!
… feeling like no one wants to tell the truth. It’s all criticism to get someone to act the way you want them to, passive-aggressive behaviour and generally people wanting to control other people. I know what that says about them but the problem is they don’t.
… being tired because stress has caused a disbalance in my hormones. It’s nothing big but it is big enough to make me feel tired most of the time. And then it’s a vicious circle getting motivated to exercise and bring back energy.
Mostly I’m just tired of wondering where is this world going to?
Does this mean I’m getting old?
I used to think the world is going on with some problems but generally in a good direction. Now I no longer have a good feeling about it.
I’ll leave you with a song that’s been on repeat for me for quite some time.
Tagged: friends, honesty, human decency, I've been thinking, politicians, running, the most depressing day, tired
All I am - a redhead 
Dear Ines,
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re not in a good place with yourself right now. I think you’re right with your take on the world around you (at least in most points), but I have to say that, in my opinion, it has always been like that – or worse. I’m not talking only about our lifespan but in general, the whole history of mankind. We just have more information these days.
You, I and everybody else who’s reading your outcry (and who are, mostly :), not those people of whom you’re tired), can’t change much in the world around but we can and should try to make it a little bit better – for ourselves and for those who we love and cherish. You can’t change much from your list but you have control over at least some things – so try there. The world will be where it currently is; health problems will poison our lives (and we’ll be trying to take care of them – as good as we can), but without changing a world, pick up something small, try to achieve it – and feel better when you succeed.
For example, let me suggest 3 things you could try to do to feel better.
1. I’m sure that with some efforts you’ll find time to see your friends not less often than [insert whatever works for you]. As we get older, it’s getting harder and harder to do that, even though we feel like we want that and miss doing that. Unless at least one of the friends makes an effort to stir the rest, people drift apart without really wanting to. You could try to be that one friend who keeps pulling others together. It is work, but it’s rewarding in the end.
2. Stop reading social media. No, really. If it’s your habit now, it’ll take you some time to get rid of it but you can do it. I don’t know what your media feeds are but I’m sure you can tweak them if you still need to have access to them (e.g., FB for communications with family members or some special group); or just do a full social media block-out if you don’t need to keep your presence there.
3. Reading/writing/smelling perfumes: don’t try to fix all three – just choose one that you think you miss the most and for the next month-two-three – whatever you choose for yourself as a goal – keep doing it, even if you have to sacrifice something else (not sleep or health though! Work would be my first suggested candidate).
If you have thyroid gland problem (I’m not saying you do – but you should check for that), you need to address that with medication. If you have clinical depression (I’m not saying you do, but if), you need to address that with medication. There is no “toughen up” for these problems, they need doctor’s attention.
But if health problems are not the cause of your current state (if they are – see above and disregard the following), I know it’s banal but I have to say that: this is your life; this is all you have, and, as you get older, it is very unlikely to get much better (on the grand scale, I mean). If you do not figure out how enjoy what you have now, there will be no take 2 – you’ll just waste a perfectly good body and mind on being annoyed at the things, which are out of your control.
Well, how was that for telling the truth? 😉
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Dear Undina, I wouldn’t have expected anything less from you than uncensored truth. 😀 Thank you! You also made me laugh out loud even though generally speaking, it’s not a happy future prognosis. 😉
I don’t get depressed or low usually, but it just seems so much work at the moment.
And thank you for the suggestions, I’ll do my best with social media, the rest shouldn’t be as difficult. Btw, work is the first thing I would decide to sacrifice (that is the thing that made me lol).
It seems I might have issues with my thyroid and my gynecologist is keeping track of that – it’s not necessary to medicate, she put me on natural food supplements that seem to help. Luckily. I’d prefer not to mess with hormones if not absolutely necessary.
I think that since this type of mood is not how I generally feel, I needed to let it out hoping that might help release it. I agree with everything you said but sometimes life seems too much struggle against things you ought not have to struggle against at all. If that makes sense?
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As Undina said, I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling so down with life and the people around you, Ines.
Unfortunately we can’t control others but we can control our reaction to them with practice. You cannot afford to give these people the power to dictate your mood, especially when you have much more important health issues to deal with. I know it’s easier said than done but keep telling yourself that their behaviour does not have any bearing on your state of mind.
I was particularly sorry to see your back issues are preventing you from running at the moment because I’m sure that normally helps you release a lot of tension and to maintain your usually bright disposition.
Good idea to vent though. Sending you a big virtual hug xxx
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Thank you dear Tara. It’s better now I let it all out. 🙂
Of course, you’re right, running helped a lot with stress – and maintaining weight. 😉
Oh well, there’s not much to do but keep on trying to fix things one by one.
Hugs!
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I was actually so low the day I read this, I couldn’t respond because I didn’t think I could help! Sending you much love and gentle hugs!!
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Oh Carol, I’m really sorry to hear you were low too. I guess there is a reason why January 16 is the most depressing day of the year when we all feel it.
It ought to just be getting better from now on. 🙂
Love and hugs!
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Hey Ines,
SHIT!
All I can say is that I love your voice and that I’m glad you did this post which said some things I actively feel but hadn’t yet processed to thoughts.
Constantly trying to make my piece of the world as inclusive, proactive, helpful and honest as possible.
I write regularly to our elected leaders here in my area and piss them off no end. They often respond by mail and sometimes call me to discuss. Probably my doing so creates no major change but what I feel it does do is give them the knowledge that someone is watching and assessing. A large part of me wants to run for office next season so we can really get a voice from the people heard but it scares me.
Portia xx
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Dear Portia, thank you for the support. 🙂 It’s better now, I’m slowly trying to implement changes in my life in order to make it happier and more relaxed.
I hope you run for office because I think that would be perfect! I’m pretty sure you would make people get out of their comfort zones and that is something that is sorely needed today.
Plus you are so much braver than I am when it comes to saying things that need to be said.
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